As per the society’s standards, married people are meant to be happier than the single people. However, if we analyze these married couples, we end up with two categories and people in the second category, ‘the poorly assessed marriages’ are far miserable than the singles, and people in the ‘wisely assessed marriages’ category are much happier than they seem to be. So, here is the deal, there are a few things that need to be considered before picking up a life partner and no, the person doesn’t need to be romantic. You can be fairly happy with a non-romantic person but there are certain variables that need to be put in the right places to balance the equation of life and marriage. On the other hand, there are equally effective ways to end up with a wrong person and mess up your life forever. Go through the analysis, it might help you to avoid a bad marriage with a wrong life partner.
There is an easy way to put it. People who are unmarried should see things from a positive perspective as they are in a more hopeful situation than the unhappy married people. Displeased singles need to get through only one milestone, which is ‘finding a good relationship’ whereas the unhappily married couples need to get through three milestones, 1) breaking up and dealing with the ordeal, 2) recovering emotionally and finally 3) finding a good relationship.
The magnanimity of importance of finding a good life partner is equal to the magnanimity of the universe, no one wants to quantify such huge numbers and thus, remain in a state of the denial. The quantifying universe might not be under your control but finding a good life partner is. It is important to accept the gravity of the decision. A good partner can be found easily, you just need to analyze the important factors that contribute to this decision. A bad partner can be found even more easily. Read through to find out how.
This can be figured out mathematically. Given, you are in the mid-20s, assume you are going to live for 85 years, now subtract your age from 85. This is the total number of years you will be spending with this person. Think about thousands of meals together, hundreds of movies you will be watching, and about 100 vacations you and your partner will be taking. The companionship is supposed to last for your entire existence.
So, when we are all aware of its magnanimity, why do some people end up choosing the wrong partners and end up in a miserable marriage? Here are some factors that force them to do so.
Most people are not aware of what they want from a relationship. The actual relationship preferences are a lot different than the ones the person presumes before dating somebody. A study has suggested that speed daters were asked about their dating preferences and their choices were annulled a few minutes later when they were in the actual event. It is no surprise that all of us make mistakes, we learn and then we improve. Unfortunately, a very few people get the chance to experience long-term relationships before marrying and those very few only have a precise idea of what they want from a relationship.
If you want to run a business, the logical approach is going to a business school, learning the techniques and tricks, creating an effective plan and then implementing it. If a person applies the same logic to find love, for instance, he designs a comprehensive plan, he implements it and tracks his progress; the chances are he might be considered a lunatic. When it comes to love, the conventional wisdom of society states that thinking too much about it is a waste of energy. The long-tested and failed approaches such as relying on fate and going with the guts are the wisdom gems we have been taught by the society.
The society also mocks at the idea of being choosy. Another wrong approach taught by the conventional wisdom of society is choosing the best out of the worst. Most people settle by choosing the most suitable options out of the only available options, no matter how mismatched that option is for them. The resolve here is that there is no harm in expanding the options by scrolling through dating sites, matrimonial sites and speed dating sites. Somehow, the mere mention of a dating site is frowned upon in a conventional setting. The society states that the righteous way to meet your life partner is by luck, or bumping into them on a pedestrian or choosing the best from a narrow horizon of options available.
The third stigma that society has successfully embedded in everyone’s mind is the ‘right age’ to get married. It is one of the most important rules. The right age can be anything varying from 25 to 35 depending on your social and geographical settings. It is better to be 37 and unhappily married than to be 37 and happily single. However, the former might be in a mess every second of his life and latter might be just onto finding something worth waiting, but the society states the former as a winner.
When we are in the initial phase of dating, the slightest spasm of excitement feels like love which is meant to stay forever. The stages such as lust, love, and attachment soon cling everyone in their claws and it seems impossible to get out. We might not be actually in love with someone or willing to spend whole lives together but the chemicals in our brains mess up everything and before we know, we are engaged to this person.
For women who aim to have biological children post marriage are limited by time even more. A woman wanting to have healthy children without facing many difficulties needs to be married before entering into her 40s. This takes a hard process and makes it even harder. The people with a good life partner and adopted children are way better off than those with the wrong partners and biological children.
So we are just bunch of people without any precise idea of what to want from a relationship, surrounded by a society that puts an exorbitant pressure on them to find a life partner. They are supposed to this without much thinking, without much aging, and without much experimenting. As a result, we get a perfectly cooked unhappy marriage which is supposed to leave a bad taste in our mouth till eternity.
Here are some common types of people who fall victims to this unhealthy mix.
This is the breed that believes that love is enough to be happy with someone. There is no refuting the fact that love is one of the most important key ingredients of a happy marriage but all other ingredients are also necessary to savor the taste of the happiness. Sometimes, when your inner voice tells you something different, you brush it away with your overly romantic logic. Then after spending 50 years of misery, you realize, hey! Maybe my inner voice was right, but it is too late now. Well, the point is- listen to your inner voice before it’s too late. ‘Everything happens for a reason’ is one of the biggest lies taught to you. Nothing happens for a reason and you need to reason with the problem and work towards a logical solution. If you are one of those overly-romantics, don’t stop questing things just because you are in love.
Fear is one of the biggest game-changers when it comes to picking a life partner. It changes the game in such a way that you always emerge as a loser in the end. The conventional setting of society starts infecting even the smartest of minds with fear as early as their mid-twenties. There are just too many kinds of fear inflicted by the parents, the society and the friends. For instance, what if you are the last single friend? What if you end up being an old bachelor or spinster? What if you are too old to parent a child and so on? To eradicate the possibilities of these ‘what ifs’ people tend to settle for something (someone) they should not be settling for. The most important fear that should cultivate in our minds, however, should be the fear of an unhappy marriage.
There exists a lot that will consider the opinion of everyone else except its own. This lot is simply disdained about the fact that marriage is supposed to be a personal and complicated decision. It is entirely different for everyone and cutting to the chase, there is no scope of involving everyone’s opinion, except it is an extreme case of a mistreatment or abuse. One of the common examples of this is someone not marrying their partner owing to the pressure of society or parents because of some factor (read religion) which is not even personally important to them. It can work another way around too. A person might be highly dissatisfied in his relationship but might succumb to everyone else appreciating it and end up tying the knot.
There are some people who emphasize on factors such as wealth, beauty, high paying job, height, accomplishments, or any specific talent. Such people are more concerned about an on-paper description of their life partners than the much-needed connection. Irrefutably, no one discards a good looking and well-settled person but prioritizing the materialistic factors over a real connection is the perfect remedy for a disastrous marriage.
Expecting humans to be selfless, ever-giving and caring is an unreal expectation. At some point or the other, we all act selfishly but there are certain degrees of selfish nature that can push people into an unhappy marriage. Let us categorize these people:
I. Category A
The people who cannot cringe at the concept of compromise and sacrifice end up being in an unhappy marriage. There are very slim chances that they might end up with an extremely selfless person who might be willing to tackle with their selfish nature for eternity but as said, the chances are slim. If a person prioritizes his needs and desires over that of his partner, there are high chances that he may wreck his marriage. The beauty of marriage lies in the equality of both the parties. It’s not about who’s having an upper hand and who is a push-over.
II. Category B
These people are highly self-absorbed. They want their life partners to serve as their therapists and they do not feel the need of returning the favor. When you interact with these people, the conversation revolves around their likes, dislikes, their day, their life and their afterlife. The marriage to such people is meant to be as good as living alone.
III. Category C
When you prioritize your needs which by the way are endless, you are meant to be doomed in a marriage wreck. When the decision of marriage is motivated by the needs such as ‘need someone to cook for me, need someone to father my children, need someone to take to the family functions, need someone to pay my bills’, the decision is most likely to end up on a negative note. Having these needs fulfilled is a great feeling but it is not all that is. After a couple of years of marriage when a person is accustomed to having these needs fulfilled and it is no longer thrilling according to him, he realizes he should have signed for a more exciting ride.
Most of the above-mentioned categories end up in unhappy marriages. Their motivation for marriage is completely twisted. Their motivation doesn’t take in account anything that is actually needed in a healthy marriage. All these factors contribute drastically in choosing a wrong life partner.
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